All posts by Preethi Raj Nair

Everything is shit only.

If I had a baby boy

Here’s a “poem” I wrote. It is very simple in it’s structure and language, but it is something I feel dearly about. I don’t like how human beings are given names when they’re born and how they live their whole lives to defend their names. It is in short, my attempt to mock at all sorts of labelling we have in the society today.

If I had a baby boy,

He won’t be given a name.

Call him Jack, Alex, George or Dork

To him it’s all the same.

If I had a baby boy,

He will go to school

Hydrogen bonding, Renaissance, Calculus

He’ll learn these things

Or he can stop,

If he doesn’t want to.

If I had a baby boy,

He won’t be taught to pray

He’ll go to the church,

Temples, mosques and monasteries

And if he asks,

I’ll go with him too.

If I had a baby boy,

He’ll be dressed like a girl on Monday

And if he likes

He can have those skirts,

braids, nail paint and lipstick

On all the other days.

If I had a baby boy,

He won’t ever be ashamed.

His head is high always

On winning or losing-

A scrabble tournament or a football game

‘Cause to him, it’s all the same.

And when my baby boy grows up,

He won’t ask me whom to love.

But if he does,

“Just any girl. Or boy.”,

I’ll say-

‘Cause to me it’s all the same.

My baby boy-

He won’t be like me. Or you.

He’ll be a very special guy.

But- I won’t give him a name.

Most annoying words/phrases in English

Time for another list, peeps!

Here’s a list of words/phrases which are overused/used incorrectly by so many people that it becomes annoying.

1. Literally

This had to be on the top. I hear a lot of this word in places it doesn’t have to be used-or shouldn’t rather. Take this sentence for example- I literally laughed my head off. No, you didn’t. If you did, you wouldn’t be living to say it. What it means is I did not literally laugh my heads off. I just don’t know what the word literally means. Don’t do it. The word literally can never precede a figure of speech, because you will then be implying the opposite. Of course, you’re allowed to say I literally peed my pants, though. If you’re a two year old.

2. Tmeses

Ok. Tmeses are  words which are formed by inserting a word in between the suffix and parent word of…a word. Examples are im-fucking-possible, un-fucking-believable. These words though could serve to emphasise what one has to say, they don’t make sense. It’s like someone forgot to use a word and you don’t know where to put it so you’ll cut a word in two and just leave it there.

3. Hedges

Well, I am guilty of this.Hedges are words that are used to reduce the intensity of whatever is following. Kind of, sort of…are all hedges. While, these words are generally helpful, they become annoying in answer to a yes/no question.

“Did you pass the exam?”

“Kind of”

See? It’s like you failed and passed the exam at the same time. Just answer the question with a yes or a no.

4. Typical

Aah. The word that teenagers use. Although I could just say I hate this word and stop with that because a majority would agree, I am going to try and explain why I find ‘typical’ annoying. It is because, most of the situations in which this word is used could be considered atypical. Like I hear women say- Men are so typical. First of all, men aren’t typical. There’s no such thing as a typical man. And secondly, you wouldn’t know because, you haven’t seen all the men. You’re generalizing and also sucking at it. All at once.

5. Love

The most beautiful feeling in this world. Also, according to me the fifth most annoying word. People just love everything these days- dogs, cats, food. But, it is even more so when the word love precedes an action. Like in – I love singing. No, you do not. You enjoy singing. You love your sexual partner. Your family. And a few friends.

6. All the time

Never use all the time unless you’re talking about something you’re actually doing all the time. Like breathing.

7. Last but not the least

I hate cliches! But this one takes the award home. I hear this a lot in acknowledgements and golden globe acceptance speeches. It is a dead give away that you’re being polite not to hurt the person whose name you’ve put in the end. It most definitely is the least important why else is it the last. There was this recipe which went…last but not the least, add sugar to taste…because sugar has feelings and it matters.

8. Too

Too much. Too good. Too gorgeous. Too hot. How much is too much! Unless we’re talking about a measurable quantity, and it has exceeded a standard amount, you’re doing it wrong.

9. Fillers

You know what’s the best filler? Silence. If you forgot what you had to say and you need time to think, just be quiet and think. Fillers can just make you come across as unprofessional and diffident and a person who has nothing to say-but fillers.

10. Absolutely

I really like this word. But the truth is there is no such thing as “absolute”. Unless, it has been proven otherwise. You’re not absolutely right, you just in agreement with your knowledge and reasoning believe that you’re right. You could be wrong and you don’t know that yet.

23 things you have to learn to do before you’re 23

First things first. I am not 23 yet. I will be in six months. And I have very mixed feelings about it. I feel like I haven’t made up my mind about so many so many things…it’s painful. But on the other hand, I am also looking forward with eager anticipation what adulthood holds for me. So, I just thought I’ll write one of those ubiquitous  lists in the line of ” x things x years of life has taught me” “x things you need to experience before you’re x years old.”.

The list is purely my opinion, and is not exactly “path to Nirvana”.

Here goes

1. Learn to lie without getting caught

The first thing you really need to learn to do is Lying. This is a really important skill you have to develop as early as possible. It takes immense creativity and spontaneity to cover up. And a decent amount of lying really works to benefit your relationships.

2. Learn to speak the truth

Yes, much as lying works, saying the truth becomes inevitable at times. Even though being honest will entitle you to being a really trustworthy person, it is really difficult to just tell the truth when it involves somebody else’ feelings. So it is important to speak intelligently EVEN when you’re only giving facts.

3. Learn to Remember

Chances are when you grow up, you’re only going to know more people, more names. Always find a way to remember these people, their anniversaries. You could do it by associating a picture, a funny line or a mnemonic. Learn it your own way, but learn it.

4. Learn to forget

Ok. I don’t really intend to speak in opposites, but forgetting is an important skill too. All those unpleasant memories from the past aren’t really worth your time because they are going to be replaced with even more unpleasant days anyway. Just get over it and make better use of your grey cells.

5. Learn to make connections

Not friends. Connections. Connections are friends you can make use of. In this world today, it is important to have people who can help you. This doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you a survivor. Go to those gatherings, find people in your areas of interest, make conversations, a little flirting doesn’t hurt either. PR is everything.

6. Learn to swim

I can tell you this because I can’t swim. Some of my friends though are like fish in water. So it’s embarrassing and also painful to be left out. So learn how to swim, or you’re just missing out on all that adventure.

7. Learn to accept failure

At 23, you have seen nothing, you’re yet to live like twice the number of years you have. So accepting defeat doesn’t mean you will give up. But that’s the very first step towards working better towards your goal. If failure leaves you bitter and cold, you’re still 12.

8. Learn to eat with discipline

Some people you see eat like pigs but are still very slim and sexy, that is because they have disciplined themselves to adhere to a fixed eating pattern and their system works perfectly well and their entire body is in harmony. And since 23 is the age you can look your best, I think you should try and eat well and understand the signals your body sends you.

9.Learn to drive

Get that damn license!

10. Learn  to sleep once you hit the bed.

God knows, I have trouble with this. Sleep is that one thing that totally rejuvenates you. And by learning how to sleep once you hit the bed you’re saving on all the extra bedtime you take up in the morning, and makes you so much more productive.

11. Learn to clean up after. Very quickly.

You have no time to waste sobbing and brooding. It is very important to get over your past. IN. NO. TIME.

12. Learn to end relationships gracefully

There is only one way #11 becomes possible

13. Learn to speak English properly

I don’t know how it is abroad, but in India, speaking good English is an asset. Learn to speak English without an accent, you’ll be surprised how much good this would do to your career.

14. Learn to use the internet

Ok. Since you’re reading this, I’ll skip this point.

15. Develop your own style

I know lesser than one or two things about fashion, but I think it is important to have your own style. Learn to carry out those clothes. To look beautiful is easy but to feel comfortable even in ugly is an art and takes a lot of getting used to. Not just clothes, everything you do, let your name be inscribed on it.

16. Learn to use silence communicatively

I can barely shut up. Even when I am not talking, I am communicating. Use different periods of silence and pauses to convey what you have in mind.

17. Learn to be emotionally independent

Never let another person’s state of mind influence yours. Practise detachment occasionally.

18. Learn to be funny

Yes, make people laugh. And do it as often as you can. Test your joke on your friends first. And just watch your friend circle grow in size!

19. Learn to argue without leading to a fight

This is difficult. When you’re talking about something you’re passionate about, and someone disagrees, it is hard to fight the need to gouge out their eyeballs. But fight it. Learn to defend your point with politeness. That person could prove to be more important to you than you thought.

20. Learn to be sympathetic

When someone is in trouble, learn to listen to them even if you can’t say anything that helps their situation. Even a perfectly timed nod or hug will do the trick.

21. Learn to Love. Deeply. Unconditionally.

I am really glad, I have learnt to do this. Love someone so much and so well that nobody can take that away from you. Not even you. And let it be steady even when you’re wronged on.This is the best ever spiritual exercise. Because that is how you’re going love your children.

22. Learn to Sex

I am not saying you should learn it by doing it. But once you’re 23, you should know fairly well how the thing goes. (I mean, how else are you gonna have dem babies?)

23. Learn to smile

No matter what happens….

Like they say, the best of lessons are taught outside the classroom.

ABC Challenge #2 : B for Booty

So the B-word I am to write about is Booty! The term booty is  the slang for… buttocks. And I don’t know why the hell I’m writing about it.But, the word has been on my head-constantly.

Oh I think I know why I think too much about booty these days. The reason is the fact that the music industry has hit an all-time low with the songs on booty being made every ten-fifteen minutes. A song about it is being made even as I am typing out this post…..

I’m a big-bootied person myself and I find the attention around this particular female part rather puzzling.For a variety of reasons.

One of the reasons being the fact that…it is not a “female” part. Unlike the vagina or the breasts which are “characteristic” to the feminine, the booty is both a male and a female part. Although, I understand that women tend to accumulate fat around this region more than men.The second is the fact that the anus is no way a sexual part.( Fine! I know what butt sex is.)The anus is the opening through which people excrete. So if there is anything that the booty should represent, it sure as hell  is just as disgusting.And finally, there is the fact that this is really nothing to be proud of.


Like I mentioned earlier, since my butt is one that gets considerable attention, I think I am entitled to talk about it.

Don’t get me wrong- I love attention. I just don’t get why women like this kinda attention.More like- I don’t like the men that offer this kinda attention.Purely speaking for myself, I don’t seem to like the “ass-person”And I would never in this life get why any girl would.

Since this calls for some clarification, I should ask if you’re a girl and reading this…

Imagine yourself walking down a crowded street.There is this really good-looking guy you come across, you strive to hold his gaze.Where do you wish he looks at you first?The eyes? Right answer.And you’ve succeeded in getting him to notice you with all the appreciation.Where would you want him to look next?Let me put it this way,Would you not rather he looks you at a place where you can see his eyes go?That’s right.

The ass is not one such place.

Still don’t get what I’m saying?

Now the good-looking guy is not good-looking.He is an old creep and hasn’t had much in a long while.He looks at you “seductively”You want to avoid his attention.You turn around and walk the other way.His eyes just take the “something” rather than the “nothing”.This. Dear women, is the man that values your ass.The “ass guy” is the coward, the guy who sees you without having you notice him.

The kind of men that appreciate the ass are the kind of men that  get to see only the ass.

Let’s look at the women that talk about their ass too much.

Jennifer Lopez.

Ok. I do like her. Or I used to like her very much.She’s had an extremely successful career, and she also gets to judge “American Idol”But let’s face it. She is old news.Take away all the “good things” she has in life….What is left is just a menopausal chick working too hard to stay relevant.And appear young.

And then there is Nicki Minaj

It is no secret that Nicki Minaj is a poor joke.If or not she’s talented is a matter of debate.She covers herself in make up, wears insensible clothes, laughs weirdly…And…One way she distracts us from noticing these things about her is talk about her fake,fat ass.

Miley Cyrus


The women that love attention that their asses get are the kinda women that love just any attention.

That’s the reason this concept works.These are really, really desperate women telling really,really desperate men that they love being seen that way.

While this can be no farther than the truth.

And on the other hand we have the very talented Adele.We don’t know a thing about her ass. No one cares.Adele is a big woman too. But with no butt talks.

My advice to little girls-Just be an Adele.

While I don’t exactly hate the music that is being made as such…what bothers me really is what it stands for and what it implies about the world we live in today.

This is NOT feminism.It is a dangerous by-product of insecurity.It is the sinister cousin of sexual deprivation.It stands for everything that is wrong with the world today.

I am not saying it is wrong to feel proud of what you got.But being proud of it is one thing.


Putting one half of your own kind down because they’re lacking in something which you consider is desirable to the other kind (you can’t know for sure what men like)…is another.

And to think that you’re automatically entitled to being religion?

I think it is high time these women stopped telling other women what men like.It is about time they allow young girls to focus on building their career.It is about time songs are made about how sexy intelligence is. In women.

Men too.

It is about time you stop making songs about how much women like rolling their round, juicy asses in money.And how they love to orgasm in the back seat of a Lamborghini which is not their own.And…please no more songs about white chicks on black cock.

Your job is not to tell me how you want my breasts. What YOU want my body to look like.You don’t have the right to tell me how you want my thighs. And whatever is in between.

It is your responsibility however, to value my dignity.

And honor.

While you keep yours too.

Booty revolution? No, Thanks.

ABC challenge#1: A for Average

Not very long ago,while I was walking home through the streets, a guy and his friend were discussing me. Not out of my earshot yet. The conversation was not in English. I will however attempt a quite literal translation.
Guy 1: Have we seen this “chick” before?
Guy 2: Does it matter? That is just some average “chick”.

Judging by their volume and tone, it was obvious that they wanted me to both listen to what they were saying and react to it. I didn’t. Well, not immediately. Firstly, the guys that were talking about me being average/average-looking, weren’t even passable in my opinion. And secondly, I don’t think it is upto them to qualify me as “good” or sexy. And thirdly,they were only telling the…the truth!

Well yes, I am of course very special to people that know me. And words cannot describe how much I mean to myself…But to a total stranger, I am” just another “. I don’t have a model-size body nor do I have you-will-totally-fall-in-love-with face. And on assessing myself, I give myself a five point five on ten, which again is an average score. It does not hurt me that I am average. But, the word itself has puzzled me quite a bit. The dictionary definition of the word is “an intermediate scale value regarded as normal or usual”. Someone just call me usual, and that is not a bad thing. Average is good enough for me.

However, I don’t fail to notice that,the word “average” cannot be viewed as a compliment. Even in the situation here, a  “chick” is called “average”; and the use of “just” preceding the word says that she is not someone who has anything important to offer.

Statistically speaking, average or mean of a certain set of values is that value that can be expected the most or is the most probable outcome of an action. That being said, one might think that the origin of the word is from a root word in ancient mathematics or philosophy that would mean normal or usual. However, this word in modern English does have an interesting etymology. It is derived from an Italian word Avaria, which possibly comes from a similar sounding Arabic term meaning…err “damaged goods”. This just almost leads me into believing that the whole purpose of this word is to make humans feel  “not good enough”.

Average lies in the middle of the scale graduated from very bad to very good. In the statement at question here the average means “I’d sex you when i’m horny” while good would have meant “lezz sex”. And bad-I wouldn’t touch you unless it is an emergency. And very bad would mean “you’re untouchable”.

I learnt that average is a word that people don’t want to be called. And it is kinda ridiculous how some people try to change and better whatever is average about them.

And why could this be?

I’d say it is so, because human beings have a constant fear of being forgotten,being replaced. And people knowingly or unknowingly are in competition with an ideal. So by being average it would mean that there are better ones of the same kind out there. All this however is ridiculous. What is wrong about mediocre? None of us have the need to look like Megan Fox. Megan Fox has to look like Megan Fox because looking like Megan Fox is Megan Fox’ job.

There is also the fact that  no such thing as average exists.The action of averaging can be performed only on a set of values that are a result of the same experiment, done under similar conditions. But… we also have a theory that each human being is unique and is subject to unique experiences. So average is a huge lie. And if average is a lie, so are the superlatives.

I love the “average”. I celebrate it. This could be because I am just about average at everything I do and it is the word that has been used on me the most.  And average would just mean that i don’t suck yet. And even if I do, so does a majority.


2013 things my life has taught me

#1. Listen as much as you talk.

#10. Don’t let anyone dictate what you want in life.

#100. It is always just so much easier to please others than it is to please yourself.

#150. This too, shall pass.

#199. What is cute at three is stupid at twenty.

#200.    99.9999 < 100

#1000. Brush your teeth at least twice a day.

#1999. Just ask!

#2000.   Never be afraid to say sorry.

#2001. To err is human. To grr is animal.

#2002. Acknowledge all the little things other people do for you. 

#2003. You can learn things from the unlikeliest of people. There is never a person who isn’t capable of teaching you something.

#2004.   People are always worth another chance.

#2005. There are very few situations in life that licking chocolate sauce off your fingers can’t fix.

#2006. Each one is different. And in that very way we’re all the same.

#2007. Never read the end of a book first

#2008.  Laugh and cry whenever you feel like.

#2009.  Write an anonymous love letter addressed ‘To the one’ and leave it in a place where people can find it. Go on. You could make someone’s day.

#2010. Everybody has that one person that they can’t keep other people’s secrets from.

#2011. You couldn’t find what you’re looking for because it was on the third page of Google Search.

#2012. Never click a picture using the front camera of your phone to check on how you look.

#2013. New Year resolutions hold only as long as the year is new.

#2014. It is not entirely necessary to stick to numbers.

  Hope ya’ll have a very Merry Christmas and a Blessed 2014 ahead!!!!!!

No milk for the baby


I was waiting for my bus to college.

It was a week ago. It’s a December afternoon. And it’s winter. I have always hated winters in Chennai. It is generally as warm as it is during summers with occasional cool breeze. And that afternoon, it recorded 30 degrees on the Celsius scale.

The Vadapalani temple is 5 minutes north from where I live. And it is 100 meters from the east mada of this temple that I had to board a bus to college. The average teenager would find this place vapid. Nothing glamorous about it. It was on a few days grossly overcrowded. Unsanitary even.

Everything around here is a little backward in time. The place is just a result of the fraudulent cosmopolitan image of the post 90’s India having thrust itself on the ancient tradition refusing to make way.

The road is lined with shops selling pilgrim essentials, flowers, cheap toys, cosmetics and Made in China goods. And near the bus stop where I was standing, the ground is dug out by the electricity workers to re-lay lines. The road is still wet from the showers of the previous night. I know this place like the back of my hand; Apart from the fact I have lived here my entire life, the place has really not changed much. And on the other side of the road are shops selling jewellery, clothing and groceries. I know every shop by its name and position. Very small changes were made in the past decade; what was once ‘Vijaya Stores’ is now ‘Happy Provisions’. On the pavement, are seated the ladies selling fruits and garlic.

On a dry day, one can see the dust ascending from the roads. The dustbins are overflowing and there is a faint smell of rotten fruits in the air. I am really kind of used to the smell by now. 

Five meters from where I was standing, is the first ever restaurant of Hotel Saravana Bhavan chain; The restaurant is closed temporarily for repair works. In their car park, however was parked an Audi A6, which I presumed belonged to the manager of the hotel or the owner’s son.

It’s been ten minutes since I’ve been waiting for my bus to arrive.

Two college guys were standing beside me- one with curly hair and a bag worn so low, a black ‘Absolut Chennai’ T-shirt, skin the colour of coffee. The other guy taller and light-skinned than the first, had long hair tied to a pony. Both of them, I thought- pretentious as fuck. These were the only two ‘things’ that reminded me that the year is 2013. 2014 almost. Oh and A.D., btw.

Fifteen minutes.

Their bus arrived. I told them a silent farewell. I plugged my earphones-first into the left ear and right. ‘Keep talking’ by Pink Floyd playing. I sing along in my head…. 

”I sit in the corner, so no one will bother me…”.

 I was just looking around in total despair. I’d be late to college. Not that I had a problem with that. But I expect things to happen in my pace.

A bus. Not mine.

A crow flew from a tree on the side walk towards a bus. 25G.  The crow hit on the bus’ window. Fell down. I wasn’t sure if it died. A wheel of the bus ran over it. Sure.

There were a sizable number of people waiting for their buses. All very usual-the workers, college girls, kids with their parents.

 My mood switched from meditative to pensive. I was just staring out in to a distance, with unseeing eyes.

 From a distance, I saw a lady walking towards the bus stop with a baby on the side of her hip, held with one hand. Slowly, weakly. She was thin and dark, her hair brown from the heat. It’s certainly been a while since she’d brushed or oiled her hair. Her sari was a faded blue, the blouse-a crimson. The baby was gorgeous and must’ve been around six months old, dressed in a skirt and a blouse too big for her. She came walking towards me. Looked at me, prayerfully. Held out her hands to me, asking for just any money. Persuading passively, she said “I haven’t eaten in three days,”. Silence. 

Her hand which did not hold the baby went up to her tiny breasts, involuntarily “There is no milk for the baby, also.”. I suppressed a laugh. (I know where milk comes from). 

Familiar Silence. Questions flooded my head.

 Why did she choose me of all the people standing there to ask for alms from? Did I look sympathetic? I didn’t like it. Or was it just that I seemed to be looking at her?

Was the baby really hers. Clearly, she did not want a baby. It is, to me, against every logic that she wanted to have a baby. Chances are that a rag picker or an alcoholic impregnated her. Without her consent, perhaps. Maybe it was a rape. Or maybe not. Whatever be the case, she was a mother of a baby that she did not want. 

And the baby was a girl. And she did not have milk to feed the baby.

Or what if the baby was not hers at all! What if she is only carrying her around to gain sympathy. To make her situation look worse than it actually was. This would be a case of human trafficking in its primitive form.

At six months, the baby did not have milk. And at the age of three, the chances that she goes to school are slim. And if she attained puberty, how would she be able to afford sanitation? And there is also this- at this rate how strong is the probability that she attains puberty. Will she live till she is twelve? She may die. Honestly, death didn’t look like a very sad ending here.

Let’s say all goes well. What would she end up being? A sweeper? A house keeper? A Prostitute? 

The baby did not have a choice. And it was not the baby’s fault.

The knowledge that by every chance, I could have been that baby; anyone could have been that baby, stung me. Nobody ever said life is fair.

 Poverty is one thing. Poverty is a reality in a society like India. But it is other things that poverty leads to like- illiteracy, unemployment and which again in turn lead to poverty are problems of a bigger magnitude. (The vicious cycle of poverty that one would learn about in eighth grade Economics came to my mind.). With very few exceptions, poverty leads to a more severe kind of poverty.

Is charity enough?

Isn’t the system flawed entirely. Isn’t the mismanagement of resources to be blamed? 

Nature is abundant. There is enough food for everyone in the world. The hot-dog you threw away because it was cold on the inside? Not food?

Should I call myself blessed and be grateful for the things I have?

 Like what my mother says ,” No matter how hard your life gets, there are thousands that envy the life you have, the opportunities you get. “.

Or should I introspect myself on how much I’ve taken for granted? 

How well have I lived? 

How many days in my life really count? 

Is it possible for me to bring about a change? If yes, how? What kind of a change? How big?

This lady was standing next to me, still looking imploringly. I grew irate. It is not up to me to help everyone out of their difficulties.

I turned away coldly at first and then, moved away from her. My bus arrived. Twenty minutes late. “One college road” I tell the conductor,handing out a ten rupee note.

I didn’t notice the reaction on the lady’s face. Maybe she was disappointed. Disappointment, by this time should be a feeling she’s used to.